My awesome dad

I forgot to show just how flippin my dad can be sometimes.

Uppers without Downers is no fun

So I feel like I have been running around all day as if I drank about 20 cups of coffee. I mean, seriously, I feel like I am going crazy. I'm talking about things that don't make any sense or have any relevance (Junior year prom date came up in conversation how? and WHY?)

Realization:
Coffee = Upper
Nicotine = Downer

Without having the "downer" in my system, I now realize I can probably fly off the roof with how much caffeine I drink in one day. It's a good thing I didn't go down and get my 2nd cup this morning or I would probably be swimming my way to England right about now (you know it would only take 29 days...).

Day 3 - ok so far

Surprisingly feeling better today.

I’m not going to lie. I really wanted a cigarette last night. I was sitting at the computer, catching up on some Fringe when I saw that Donna did not take hers upstairs with her. So they were just sitting there. Mocking me. Telling me that it was ok.

I resisted for a while. I am in the process of crocheting yet another scarf (because I really don’t know how to make anything else… and if I did, I don’t think I would make myself a cape like the yarn makers advertise on yarn). I got pretty far on my scarf when I pretty much just said fuck it. It really doesn’t matter.

No lie, I barely had one drag and put it out (sorry Donna). And my fingers smelled so bad from just that barely a drag. YUCKY! If I wasn’t so lazy, I would have gotten up and washed my hands – but I didn’t. I wanted myself to realize that’s what I’ve probably smelled like for 8 years. YUCKY!

So I feel like a YAY for me is in order because I really didn’t smoke a cigarette.

I’m still sad about Dan time when I hang out with him but I guess I’ll cross that road when it comes in 8 days.

Classified: Non-Smoker Day 2

So basically this beyond sucks. And I think it sucks for the reasons it should suck for.

I quit smoking. Which in a way is just so so sad. I mean i would think that after people bugging the shit out of me for eight years to quit I would be happy because the nagging would be gone. I mean, I was even nagging myself! I know the reasons why I don’t want to smoke anymore, but I never thought I was going to be one of those people that really, REALLY wanted a cigarette. I never thought I would be craving one. I mean, I’ve tried to quit once before and it wasn’t this bad (and that is probably because even thought I wasn’t buying cigarettes, I was still smoking Donna’s since they were so readily available).

But that isn’t going to happen this time. I am really, really going to try and not smoke.

But the reasons I am wanting a cigarette aren't because I am in need of the nicotine, I think (i could totally be wrong here, I really have no clue.) I think it is because there were my certain times I had one that is really hard for me to give up. I have to say I am really missing my routines. I’m missing walking out of the building at the end of the day and having one. I miss the possibility of using it as an excuse to get away from people if I am feeling stressed. I mean, it doesn’t help that I work with the select few who must have come straight out of the loony bin. It doesn’t help when one of these said people are on the phone with their husband screaming that one of them has to leave work because the baby’s got DIARRHEA! But NOOOO! This doesn’t’ make me want to have a cigarette. Doesn’t’ make me want to run away from said person so she doesn’t come over and explain more thoroughly that the baby’s got DIARRHEA! because none of us obviously got the memo yet.

In my head, I wasn't going to be smoking after college. This was what i was thinking when I started. I feel like I was a pretty late bloomer when it comes to smoking. I was 17 - peer pressure, I guess, was the reason. And I kept smoking because it was pretty much the best way to get to know people in college. "Hey, can I bum one?" someone would ask. and that was it. I had a new friend. I think it is hard not to bond with people who are just as crazy as I was, standing out in a foot of snow, or pouring rain, or even 102 degree heat.

So I feel like I am not going to miss smoking because I need nicotine. I am going to miss it because I want to stand in the kitchen and hang out with the smoking crowd at family dinners. I want to hang out with one of my best friends in the world I don't get to see that often and go outside and have our cigarette times... sigh. this sucks.

There are good things about it already, too but I think I am too sad about thinking about the sad things to think about the good things right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.